Don't shush me!

The Onion: Bush Tours America to Survey Damage Caused by His...

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 11:59:43 -0400

The Onion: Bush Tours America to Survey Damage Caused by His Disastrous Presidency

The Jewish joke

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 11:53:09 -0400

A friend sent this to me and I figured at least 1 other person out there would get a kick out of/relate to it:

Subject: Yiddishe Mamas
Like a good tsibeleh (onion) we Jews are a complex pastiche, layered with strands of oys running through the joys. We do know that suffering is involved. Imagine for a moment Jews without humor. We’d have jumped off that roof with the Fiddler.
The Jewish joke is (obviously) about something Jewish and almost everything is fodder. It’s democratic and yes, antiauthoritarian. Anyone, and anything, is treated with the same ironic wit.

Jewish Mother: “Hello, operator! Give me the manager from the fancy-dancy room service.”
Manager: “Room Service.”
Jewish Mother: “This is room 402, Mister Room Service. I vant to order breakfast.”
Manager: “Certainly, madam. What would you like?”
Jewish Mother: “For me, I vant a glass orange juice mit pits. The toast should be burned, and - ”
Manager: “Madam, I can’t fill an order like that!”
Jewish Mother: “Aha! You did yesterday!”

Jewish jokes often involve a canny, even convoluted or loony use of logic, irony, and surprise or the quick turn-around.

Sophie demanded of Hannah a pot which she claimed was never returned to her to make Sabbath dinner for her family.
“In the first place, I never took a pot from you!”
“In the second place, it was an old pot!”
“And in the third place, I gave it back to you in better condition than when I took it from you!”

The jokes we tell offer insight into how we see ourselves in society and in the world. It’s been suggested that as outsiders, better to give ourselves a zetz (punch) first. Jews are in the unique position of having been persecuted, while feeling quite superior intellectually, which leads to humor over what we consider to be absurdities, unfairness, and pomposity.

A rabbi in the hospital received a large vase of fl owers with the following note: “The congregation wishes you a full and speedy recovery - by a vote of 212 to 74.”

Attitudes and Attitude
Jewish mothers have always been fodder for Jewish jokes. But, some feel that today, we’ve become a Jewish joke. And no matter how much truth there is in the ethno-type, many are still offended.
A bus with 30 Hadassah Ladies turned over and were dispatched to heaven. Unfortunately the computers were down, so God had to ask Satan to provide temporary housing. Soon after, He received an urgent telephone call from Satan telling Him to take the women off his hands.
“What’s the problem?” asked God.
Satan replied, “Those Hadassah Ladies are ruining my whole set-up. Only two hours and already they raised $100,000 for an air conditioning system!”

Who’s doing the telling makes a large difference to Jewish mothers, indeed most Jews. If a fellow Jew is the “who” we trust motive. If a non-Jew tells the same story, we get a shtikl (little) anxious. “Why is he telling me this?” we wonder. “OK, it’s because I’m Jewish and thought I’d find it funny - but - where did he hear it? From some anti-Semitic friend? Why does he know it?
Personally, I’ve known very few non-Jews who actually tell a Jewish joke well. They lack the DNA to own it, tell it right, sell it, or even understand it because they lack a Yiddishe kop (head). Telling a Jewish joke is more than a set-up and punch line. It’s an experience!
So as my service to you, please enjoy the “experience” of some of my favorite Jewish jokes:

ASSISTANCE

Rachel, Sheva and Rosalie visited their friend Gittel, mother of four, who was laid up with a bad back.
“Oy … such a shame,” exclaimed Rachel.
“I know,” agreed Sheva. “The pain, and now the operation … such tsouris.”
“Darling,” said Rosalie. “We’ll pray for you every night!” as the other women nodded.
“Every night, instead,” said Gittel, “wash my dishes. Praying I can do myself.”

BUSINESS
Selma, Abie and their four children ran a dry goods store on the Lower East Side. Over forty years, they expanded and made a fortune so they decided to buy a department store - Macy’s. They toured the huge store with Mr. Macy himself. Afterward, Abie wrote a check for the ten million down payment, when Selma tugged at his sleeve.
“Abie, don’t buy!” she whispered adamantly.
“Why not?”
”You didn’t notice? There’s no apartment in the back!”

ENOUGH

Rivka tottered into a lawyer’s office and told him she wanted a divorce.
“A divorce?” asked the shocked lawyer. “Tell me, how old are you?”
“Ninety - this July,” answered Rivka.
“Ninety! And how old is your husband?”
”He’s 92.”
”And how long have you been married?” he asked in disbelief.
“September will be 70 years.”
“Children?
“Four. Gorgeous.
”Why would you want a divorce now?”
”Because,” said Rivka …. “enough is enough.”

Myrna and David dated five years, yet not once did David bring up the subject of marriage. Finally, Myrna’s mama sat her down.
”Darling, I think you’ve waited long enough. The next time you’re out, give him a little hint, OK, Mamala?”
The next Sunday, David took Myrna to their favorite Kosher Chinese Restaurant. As he read the menu, he casually asked her, “So Myrna, how do you want your rice? White or fried?”
Without hesitating, Myrna looked up at him, and replied, “Thrown.”

THE PRAYER
A rabbi was talking to precelocious six-year-old Mendel.
“So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That’s very commendable. What does she actually say?”
Little Mendel replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

JEWISH SURVIVAL
A new flood was predicted and nothing could prevent it. In three days, the waters would wipe out the world.
The Dalai Lama appeared on worldwide media and pleaded with humanity to follow Buddhist teachings to find nirvana in the wake of the disaster.
The pope issued a similar message, saying, “It is still not too late to accept Jesus as your Savior.”
The chief rabbi of Jerusalem took a slightly different approach: “My people,” he said, “we have three days to learn how to live under water.”

"Hello Kitty" Dog Tattoo

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 00:50:16 -0400

"Hello Kitty" Dog Tattoo: No, seriously, what the hell is wrong with people?!

Poverty-stricken parents send children to orphanage

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 18:35:22 -0400

Poverty-stricken parents send children to orphanage: This is so utterly heartbreaking, I can’t find accurate words to convey how sad it makes me.

Zimbabwe, oy vey...

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 11:42:36 -0400

Zimbabwe, oy vey...: I saw this item on the ticker while watching Larry King’s tribute to George Carlin last night and more or less started flipping out. I’m thinking, WTF FTW!

"Executive decision. Are gaucho pants ever coming back?"

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 12:04:03 -0400

“Executive decision. Are gaucho pants ever coming back?”

- text from the bff

me: Well, I had heard through the grapevine a long time ago that she was dating an older Orthodox guy.

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 19:24:53 -0400

me: Well, I had heard through the grapevine a long time ago that she was dating an older Orthodox guy.
my dad: Or, as they say in the Orthodox community, you heard it through the Manischevitz-vine.

Quintessentially NY(clearer but unsaveable version here)

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 15:52:51 -0400

Quintessentially NY

(clearer but unsaveable version here)

I was very excited/mildly surprised that “truthiness” was one of the answers in the NY...

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 15:46:00 -0400

I was very excited/mildly surprised that “truthiness” was one of the answers in the NY Times crossword puzzle today (which I’m having a really hard time finishing, grrr).

Weird sauce

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 15:40:30 -0400

Last night, my bf posted this Durex ad to his blog. I found it to be quite humorous, saved the picture to my computer and moseyed (sp.?) on over to tumblr to blog it myself. I then decided I would wait to do so until tomorrow, only to discover it on the tumblr homepage/radar (courtesy of Megan). I am sooooo not ahead of the curve.

Some guy on the subway platform today busted out the Rerun dance from What’s Happenin’. ...

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 16:38:52 -0400

Some guy on the subway platform today busted out the Rerun dance from What’s Happenin’. And it was awesome.

"Ok I thought you got mad which would have been very uncharacteristic of you and I felt bad which is..."

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 16:36:01 -0400

“Ok I thought you got mad which would have been very uncharacteristic of you and I felt bad which is uncharacteristic of me.”

- My brother, after I assured him that I simply forgot to respond to a text message wherein he made fun of my boyfriend.

"Seriously, you need to taste my chocolate honey. That sounds dirty but I mean it literally."

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 16:33:45 -0400

“Seriously, you need to taste my chocolate honey. That sounds dirty but I mean it literally.”

Part of a series of advertisements from Zoo Aquarium in Madrid...

Sat, 31 May 2008 18:55:00 -0400

Part of a series of advertisements from Zoo Aquarium in Madrid depicting how animals can be more “human” than people. Click here to see the rest.

friend: the only thing that is really scary is when you don't know what's happening while the movie is going on, and when the movie's over you have no idea what happened

Fri, 30 May 2008 19:23:26 -0400

friend: the only thing that is really scary is when you don't know what's happening while the movie is going on, and when the movie's over you have no idea what happened
me: Does the same rule aply to life?

"Love to one, friendship to many, goodwill to all."

Thu, 29 May 2008 05:36:57 -0400

“Love to one, friendship to many, goodwill to all.”

- Unknown

"I’m at the zoo and literally just saw the monkeys do it."

Wed, 21 May 2008 11:57:14 -0400

“I’m at the zoo and literally just saw the monkeys do it.”

- text from my bff (on a field trip with her class and clearly a fan of The State)

Maturity

Wed, 14 May 2008 16:15:12 -0400

me (Yankees fan): I'm going to the Subway Series on Saturday, jealous?
friend (Mets fan): i hope that johnny damon chokes on a penis before the first inning
me: Yeah, yours.
friend: BURN
me: When you pee?
Not good
friend: exactamundo

I forwarded a ridiculous LiveLeak clip to my bf and bff’s this morning. The former just...

Wed, 14 May 2008 12:57:55 -0400

I forwarded a ridiculous LiveLeak clip to my bf and bff’s this morning. The former just emailed me back to tell me that he saw it when it originally was on the news and that he was literally dying from laughter. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that if that were indeed the case, he’d be dead right now. Oh, the pitfalls of dating outside your college major…

Everything old is new again

Tue, 13 May 2008 12:00:00 -0400

“It’s official — the CW on Sunday picked up the Beverly Hills, 90210 spinoff to develop as a series.

In other and perhaps more interesting news, original cast members Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling are returning for the new series. Garth has signed on in a recurring role, reprising the part of Kelly Taylor, who now will be a guidance counselor at her West Beverly Hills High alma mater. And Usmagazine.com is reporting that Tori Spelling — Ms. Donna Martin herself — is also onboard.

90210 centers on a three-generation Beverly Hills family, including a hard-drinking grandmother (Jessica Walter), a former Olympian mom (Laurie Laughlin) and her teenaged daughter (Shenae Grimes).”